Round two of medications start today! I’m optimistic! So cheers to the next 14 days of new challenges, difficult days and hopeful outcomes! P.s. my under eye bags are just paid actors! Always packed for a road trip!

Made my awesome mail guys some cookies! Thanks for coming to my house 65 times a day with packages! I see you and I appreciate you!

Fun facts about me! Because trends and transparency and stuff 1. I love baking and cooking! 2. Learning for the sake of learning sparks so much joy within me! 3. I lost 130 pounds naturally over the course of a year and a half! 4. I only get hungry about every 4 days. 5. Music is my love language, it’s always on! 6. I was diagnosed with an eating disorder or chronic disease a few months ago. 7. Art is a deep passion of mine! 8. I no longer care about what others think or say about me. 9. I’m perpetually cold. 10. I’m actually blind. Four eyes for life!! What are 10 random facts about you?!  

     Trying to find gratitude in each day I’m able to get up and do normal things.      One rare mistake in an emergency surgery that couldn’t be stopped took away my everyday normal.      So I’m remembering that there’s seasons for everything and this isn’t the end, just apart of the journey.  

Found some energy to bake today and made some double chocolate chip cookies! XOXO  

     It’s been a hot minute since I shared my face on this app, so I figured why the hell not?!      Since my last post about my GP I went into private mode a little bit.      I tend to struggle privately, but something I’m learning about myself is that I have to struggle publicly sometimes in order to hold myself accountable for the way I’m feeling.      I’m doing better every single day! Learning what my body can and cannot handle.      I dropped 16 pounds from being unable to eat for 2 weeks. My Gastroenterologist and dietician are on the ball helping me figure out what my body can handle eating.      I’m just grateful to be alive and doing well today! That’s all I can ask for! XOXO

Listen, if you're not listening to music every second of every day, are you even living?!  Probably not.  Even in bed, feeling like shit 89% of the time warrants me to listen to music, I don't even care if I have a headache, something is on in the distance.  It gets me through some of the most awful days!  Here's the task I have for you, tell me some of your favorite bands! i'm loving the emails ya'll are sending in! Keep them coming!  XOXO 

     I need to get back to my life, but I'm having the hardest time getting back into the swing if things. I have a commission, I'm just struggling to WANT to get back into in. I'm lacking my fire. I know I'll find it again, but in the meantime, I HAVE to get this commission completed and I don't feel creative one bit!      My whole life was put on hold for nearly a month and now that I am trying to put my life back together I am trying to find the right amount of balance!       Life is all about balance it seems as though we're always trying to find the right amount of it all in life. Is it achievable?  I don't know, but I certainly would love to find out someday!  XOXO 

 It's this... It's good depression music! 

     I am still struggling every single day, I'm getting stronger but the struggle is still very much there. I'm doing the very best I can and I know that's all I can ask for!       I'm feeling defeated and angry and betrayed by my own body. But with time, I know that I can get through  it.       Here's to another day!  XOXO 

     I put my tree up because I needed it in order to spark joy within myself! I sit here each night and drink some hot cocoa and soak in the lights and let them fill me up with happiness and joy!       Don't panic, my Thanksgiving meal will taste the same with my tree up!  XOXO

  Note to self: It’s okay to grieve the life you had before you were sick. It’s okay to wish your body worked better than it does. It’s okay to give yourself grace as you heal. 💖

     I put my Christmas tree up tonight because I knew it was the very thing that was going to bring me the most joy!       As a reminder, your turkey is going to taste just as good with my tree up so keep your nasty opinions to yourself if you don't support Christmas decorations before Thanksgiving!       It cost 0 dollars to be a good human and to keep your mouth shut!  XOXO 

     I was a full on potato today! Nothing but laying in bed and relaxing! I feel like my body needs as much rest and relaxation as it can get right now! I need to be able to get stronger and in order to do that, I need sleep, rest, to rebuild my immune system, rebuild my strength and everything in between.      I'm just trying to do my best over here. I'm trying to remain as positive as I can to be hopeful. But my motto lately is, "Hope breeds eternal misery."      Because the minute I decide to be hopeful, something bad happens. Thus solidifying my motto!      Anyway, I'm not here to bore you, which if you're still here after the last few weeks of boring blogs, God Bless because I have been a whole boring mess!      I promise I'll be better at not being completely boring soon! In the meantime, I hope you are having the best weeks of your life!  XOXO 

     Everyone has something, here's what's odd about me:      I have an irrational fear of the stomach flu... anyone else?       I have the WORST anxiety around the stomach bug, like I will hyperventilate and absorb the symptoms myself If I feel I've been around someone who has the stomach bug.  It makes it so hard to live my life, I can deal with A LOT but throwing up?! I can't deal with that!      Does anyone else fear this? Because it SUCKS especially now that it's cold and flu season.       AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH XOXO

     I haven't had a real meal in two weeks. I haven't had a full meal in two weeks. I don't feel all that sad, because to be honest, I feel nothing when I see food I can't eat. I'm scared of eating, the thought of eating and everything in between.       I know that isn't healthy but it's one of the things that comes along with my diagnosis. I am scared to eat. That's a scary thing to face, I know eventually I'll have to talk to someone about that but for now, I think I'm just going to try and deal with it on my own.      I've talked to my sister about it and she offers not much insight because she's never been scared of a meal in her life, but I'm just trying to hear what others opinions of what I should do is.      Life is hard!  XOXO 

     Here's just a look into what i've been living on from day to day: Day 1:  1 slice of bread 4 oz of Pedialyte Day 2: 1/2 cup of applesauce  4 oz of Pedialyte Day 3:  1/2 cup of applesauce  4 oz of Pedialyte Day 4: 1/4 cup of applesauce  2 oz of Pedialyte Day 5: 1 can of fruit juice 1 slice of bread Day 6: 1 scrambled egg 4 oz of Pedialyte 10 Cheez Its Day 7: 2 graham crackers 4 oz of Pedialyte Day 8: 2 graham crackers 4 oz of Pedialyte Day 9: 2 scrambled egg 4 oz of Pedialyte 10 Cheez Its Day 10: 2 scrambled egg 4 oz of Pedialyte 10 Cheez Its      And the list goes on, but here's an insight of what 2ish weeks of my gastroparesis looks like! Food makes me feel so sick, that's the bitch of it! But I am working on getting stronger every single day.  XOXO 

     I feel so out of control lately. My life is spiraling and I feel like it's just going to keep spiraling. I have a good team of doctors, but I feel like I am just continuing to get worse and worse. I know that's not the case! With any diagnosis, you have to be willing to go through the bullshit to get to the positivity.  But I feel like the end of the bullshit is never going to end. It's NEVER going to end.      I am trying my hardest not to pity myself, but Lord Jesus, I am OVER it!       I hope while I am taking a sabbatical away from life, you are all living your best lives!  XOXO

    With everything going on with me, I thought it was important to start c elebrating just how far I’ve come! Something I’ve learned over the last few months is that if you’ve got something to be proud of, share it and celebrate your wins.      My win is that I’m not the same girl I was. Overweight, scared to show anyone who she really is and ashamed.      While I’m still on a self discovery journey, I know who I’m not and that’s a quitter. I’ll never give up on myself again.  

     It’s been a hot minute since I’ve posted because I’ve had a lot going on. And if I’m being honest I still have a lot going on.      Here’s a reminder for anyone needing it!  

     Long read ahead but I’ve been transparent about my health journey so far and I feel like I still need to own my truth for my own sanity!      A few weeks back I told you all that I had been diagnosed with gastroparesis. A rare complication from my emergency gallbladder surgery back in 2020. The care plan was medication to help me properly digest and absorb food. And it was helping!      Almost two weeks ago I got a rare side effect from that medication called tardive dyskinesia (TD). It causes repetitive, involuntary movements.      I was immediately taken off that medication, placed on something to reverse the effects of the TD and I had to wait until the medication was completely out of my system. (It’s working slowly but surely! Yay!)      I went through symptoms of withdrawal for around 6 days and since I was no longer on meds, my body was no longer digesting and absorbing food properly.    ...

Reminder: This is perfectly normal and okay!  

     I harvested the rest of my parsley from the garden and am in the process of drying it now! I’ll definitely be good for the winter! I have to get the rest of the garden stuff taken care of before winter comes!     I am proud of my small, but perfectly abundant little garden this year, next year I hope to have more space to spread out and grow even more!     What's your favorite part about the Summer?! Mine is that I get to grow my own food!     I hope you all have an excellent weekend! XOXO  

     Celebrating how far I’ve come! Something I’ve learned over the last few months is that if you’ve got something to be proud of, share it and celebrate your wins.      My win is that I’m not the same girl I was. Overweight, scared to show anyone who she really is and ashamed.      While I’m still on a self discovery journey, I know who I’m not and that’s a quitter. I’ll never give up on myself again.