Sometimes you're given things you don't understand at first...

 

    I admit that the thought of, “I didn’t ask to be alive” has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. If you tell me that you haven’t thought this at one point in time in your life, I’ll think that you’re a liar and a cheat. 

 

    It’s true that I didn’t ASK to be born. But I was gifted it anyway. I used to HATE when people told me that life was a gift. Gifts are meant to bring joy and I seen no joy in being alive. There was no supernatural tether linking me to Earth. I was floating in a world that I could not handle. Lost, confused, scared and emotionally unavailable to anyone and anything that tried to approach me. Which, for me, wasn’t too many people. I spent a lot of my youth by myself. 

 

    I had one good friend, my sister, Ashley. And even though she tried her best to always be there for me, She grew up and moved on with her life too. (I would never blame her) It’s just that when she was gone, I was alone again. Lost in a world that I didn’t understand and that didn’t understand me. 

 

    So for me, “I didn’t ask to be born” is a real and valid feeling. 

 

    Today, as I reflect on everything that I went through I fully understand just how much of a gift life truly is. Not as many people are as lucky as I am. Now I don’t view luck as some magical, perfect life. But a hard life that has been earned, fought for and deserved. I earned the right to be happy, I earned the right to let my feelings flow, I earned the right to be exactly who I am, unapologetically. I earned the right to treat myself with the same love and respect I have always given so freely to everyone else. 

 

    Even now, when people don’t thank me for something kind I’ve done for them, I am grateful that I was able to do it! 

 

    (No, I don’t do anything for recognition but a simple thanks sometimes from people you’d walk through fire for is appreciated and does well for peoples mental health.)

 

    Even when things don’t go exactly how I’d imagined them or when life just seems to be swallowing me alive, I am grateful for each and every breath I am granted. 

 

    Life is never going to be easy but it’ll always be a gift. Some people weren’t as lucky as I know I am. I had parents who love me and did everything for me. (Still do!) I always had nice clothes, a roof over my head, food on my plate and we went on regular family vacations. I have a very family orientated family, I’m thankful for that. 

 

    It hasn’t been easy getting here. To this mindset. I used to take for granted every morning that I didn’t wake up with some rare, nobody has ever heard of autoimmune disorder. Now I wake up every single day and thank God for my health and pray that I am as healthy as I can be! 

 

 

    Mindset has a lot to do with well, everything.

 

    I didn’t ask to be here, but I was GIFTED it anyway. I couldn’t be more grateful. Because sometimes you're given gifts that you don't quite understand at the time. Give them time, you might find that they're exactly what you needed, then and now. 

 

    Here’s to hard moments, difficult decisions and the strength to grow through it all.

 

 

XOXO