What would you tell your former self if you had the chance?

So yesterday was all about confessions and today I am going to talk about what I wish I knew back then that I know now.

 

I have always thought the world was out to get me. If not the world, the people in my world. I haven’t always had the easiest time and I have had some hard shit happen in my life; but who hasn’t? 

 

Here’s a list of some of the things I've dealt with:

1. Being an overweight child

2. Having undiagnosed anxiety

3. Being bullied

4. Having literally no self confidence 

5. Being completely introverted

 

And here are the things I wish I could have said to myself back then:

 

Bullies: 

 

It’s hard to even describe what it’s like to be bullied. Unless you’ve been there you just don’t know. My parents always made sure I had nice, name brand clothes and that I had anything I ever needed. But it didn’t matter, people couldn’t get over my size long enough to see that I had a good personality. And eventually that takes a toll on a persons mind, body and soul. 

 

Here’s what I wish I knew back then: Bullies only bully because they we’re raised that way OR they have something going on in their lives that makes them angry and miserable and they don’t want to be angry and miserable alone; and you’re just collateral damage. Misery literally loves company. 

 

I don’t know what my bullies issues were and now I don’t care! But back then it seemed impossible that someone could hate me and not even know me. 

 

Being an overweight child:

 

This stemmed from the fact that I was bullied. I ate my feelings, never went anywhere and stayed home as much as possible. I was a complete shut in. I also had anxiety, so that didn’t help whatsoever. It also had a little to do with genetics, we all have them and sometimes we have to work extra hard to not end up like other family members. It was a combination of all of these things that made me spiral out of control. Then as an adult, it only got worse from there. Real life, bigger bullies, work, money, responsibilities, college, relationships and the ever-looming, “What is it that I want for the rest of my life?”

Here’s what I wish I knew back then: 

 

I wish I knew that there were other outlets other than eating to get my rage and frustration out. My anxiety could have been controlled easier and I didn’t have to struggle with it alone. EVERY single adult struggles with: money, responsibility, relationships and nobody ever fully knows what they want for the rest of their lives because we are all forever changing! I wish I knew that life was never going to be perfect and that the sooner I learned to roll with the punches, the sooner I’d realize that it wasn’t designed to be perfect. We learn, we grow and we struggle, it’s the way of life.

 

Undiagnosed Anxiety: 

 

This was nobody’s fault. My parents took me to the doctors regularly. I was a sickly child. I was ALWAYS sick. It started with my tonsils and adenoids, those we’re removed in elementary school and it just went on from there. I have a gluten allergy and had allergies. So I was always being seen, just never for the underlying stuff. 

 

Here’s what I wish I knew back then:

 

That anxiety and it’s many forms is a learning process and once I knew what was happening with my body and could explain it (it’s really hard to do so!) It would be easier for me to reach out for help. I would tell myself that it’s not a permanent feeling and that there would be good days and bad days and on the bad days, just love yourself harder and be more understanding of what you're going through, because it’s not a forever feeling. 

 

Having no self confidence:

 

This was from years of being conditioned to think that, “if I just lost a little weight, I’d probably be pretty.” Why is that even a statement? I grew up thinking I was ugly and then with all of the anxiety issues I was programmed to believe there was something wrong with me and I was completely unlovable; physically, emotionally. 

 

Here’s what I wish I knew back then:

 

Everybody goes through stages where they think they’re completely unlovable. Whether they think they’re ugly or not. We all have issues and self confidence is an acquired trait for most of us. Glow ups are real and that doesn’t even mean for looks; to every thing there is a season! You just have to find your seasons! 

 

Being completely introverted: 

 

Sooo, social situations, do I love ‘em? No. Do I avoid them when I can? Yep! This made it so hard to make a lot of friends in school (I had a few good ones! ) and that made having real social connections pretty much non existent as well! It was hard for me to break away from that since I believed everyone was judging me. I was a bullied child/teen and that made it extremely hard for me to trust anybody. I honestly still have trust issues that I’m working through and I think that’s partially why It’s so HARD for me to accept compliments, I cringe. Because I have been told by outsiders my whole life that I’m ugly, not worth it and fat and have been lied to by so many about what their true intentions of me were. 

 

 

Here’s what I wish I knew back then:

 

I wish that I’d known that not everybody has the same heart as I do and that being introverted is COMPLETELY normal. I would have told myself that connections come from building rapport in safe and secure environments and if I want a stable relationship, business, friendship or otherwise, trust comes with time. I would have also told myself outsiders are assholes and what the world thinks about you doesn’t matter; what I think about me matters and that should always be enough. At some point in time I have to trust that the people I’ve let into my life mean no harm and that they love me for who I am and can accept the fact that I don’t always want to talk about it, I don’t always want to vocalize what I’m going through, it’s not who I am by nature. Also, in social situations, it’s okay to just be there to listen and learn about others; If I find that it’s hard for me to interact, listening is always necessary and appreciated by others!

 

 

There are so many other things I would have said to myself especially with what I know now. Struggling is apart of life, you’ll struggle your whole life and it’s got nothing to do with anything except for that life is fucking hard. You’ll have good days and bad, great months and horrible ones and what we’ve all learned recently is that a whole year can pretty much be trash too.  What we have to do is roll with the punches and continually remind ourselves of what we have to be grateful for. What, what we’ve gone through has taught us, because there is a lesson in EVERYTHING. How are we’re going to move ahead and figure out how we want to spend the rest of our lives? I for one am sick of living in the past and so sick of being angry , so that’s why I am here, spilling all my tea and getting it out there in hopes that my struggles can help someone else.

 

We’re all strung together by experiences, love, pain, anger, hope and the realization that we’ve all got scars, some are just much deeper than others. 

 

Happy Sunday, beauties! 

 

XOXO