Your negative echos become the only voice that you can hear...

    Gone are the days of inexcusable child-like behavior. I am an adult and need to start acting like it. That thought has been beat into my brain since the day I turned 16 and I think it was more damaging than it was helpful. There aren’t any rules or time lines on when you’re supposed to have it all together, but there are times where I wish I would have made more grown up decisions! I had the mentality that I was young and it was my time to make foolish mistakes when in reality, I wish I would have just taken the time to make better choices, I think in the long run it would have helped me in the now.

 

    Although, I don’t regret parts of my life because I know that the mistakes and decisions I’ve made have lead me to where I am today. And today I am a person who I can be proud of. I’ve out a lot of work into myself over the last 10 months! I had made the decision to put myself first for the first time in such a long time! I physically have never put myself first; it’s always been the needs of others over mine. And that was one of my toxic behaviors! It poisoned the way that I saw myself. I thought that people only viewed me as someone they used when they needed something and because I NEVER set any boundaries! I just let the people around me walk all over me and I know now that it was extremely damaging to my mental health and my ability to see myself in a positive way. 

 

    At my last therapy session, Deb and I talked about the way we view ourselves and how what we SAY about ourselves, to ourselves has more of a damaging effect on our mental health than we realize. So silently calling yourself names is like shouting them from rooftops for everyone to hear and for them to echo back at you. Your negative echos become the only voice that you can hear! 

 

    That’s what happened to me. My echos screamed at me, every single day. They told me things that resembled the things I echoed to myself, everyday. But overtime, they got more vicious and darker; they got angrier and meaner. It broke me down mentally and forced me to view myself in the most negative and harsh ways. It forced me to hate myself and I allowed others to abuse  me mentally and sometimes physically until I broke mentally and emotionally. Which at my lowest I KNEW I deserved better, I just didn’t think there were any other voices except that fucking echo inside me that told me I couldn’t do better. 

 

    Which is when I decided to reach out for help. At the very least, I could say I tried and at the very best.... well, YOU’RE LOOKING AT THE VERY BEST! You know every time you log on to read my blog (thank you by the way!) that girl you see at the very top of the screen, that’s her! The very best! The one without the fake smiles and forced interaction! That’s her the the girl who puts makeup on not to feel beautiful but because she CARES about herself in ways that she never could before! That’s HER! The girl who KNOWS without hesitation that she DESERVES SO FUCKING MUCH because she spent YEARS giving away her very best and showing her very WORST! This girl UNDERSTANDS that she still still has work to do but is so unbelievably fucking blessed to be this alive and well today, because she knows how hard it was to get here! 

 

    This girl is ME. And I fucking LOVE myself, I know I’m worthy of so much. I won’t rest until I find it! 

XOXO