The promise of me...

    It’s game night! So this is going to be an early and short post! 

 

    I haven’t talked about therapy in a little bit! So here we go! 

 

    At my last session we talked about goals and whether or not I felt more comfortable setting them.

 

    As a back story, I NEVER set goals for myself because I was TERRIFIED of failure. I hated the thought of disappointing myself and everyone else in my life; because I was inadequate or just didn’t measure up. Or that the promise of my goal would be too much for me to handle and I’d crumble from the pressure! 

 

    As it turns out, I work well under pressure and that’s where some of my best work comes from. And goals we’re meant to be made and nothing is every 100%. Failure is inevitable; what you do with the knowledge of that failure is what it’s actually about. What did you learn from it and what are you going to do differently?!

 

Deb: What do you think it was that you were actually afraid of? Failure or something else?

 

Me: I was afraid my letting myself down. Or that my failure would somehow make me even less desirable than I already was/felt. 

 

Deb: Why do you think you felt undesirable?

 

Me: Because I was... there was no possible way another person could love a person like me. I wasn’t, “pretty” or thin, accomplished or motivated even to be the best person I could be. I hated myself and that’s how I imagine everyone else felt about me too. I didn’t know I had anxiety back then and denied anything to do with depression. “I couldn’t possibly have depression, I was from a normal, happy functional family... I couldn’t possibly be sad.”

 

    What I know now, is that was toxic and has nothing to do with who or where I came from. Depression doesn’t discriminate or hate... it doesn’t choose whom or where it goes.... it just IS. 

 

    When I finally decided I didn’t want to feel like that anymore and I went to my doctor, I was so EMBARRASSED. Ashamed that I had to get help for my mental health. It was my weakest day, or so I THOUGHT it was my weakest day. As it turns out, it was my STRONGEST day. Getting help was absolutely necessary and I don’t even want to think about where I’d be now if I didn’t make that choice. 

 

    It isn’t weak or wrong, it doesn’t mean I’m damaged or broken... It means I’m HUMAN! 

 

    That’s life and the hard lesson is this: We’re all just trying to survive the best we know how. We’re fumbling though the darkness and a lot of us are trying to do it alone. You DO NOT have to be alone. There are resources out there, reach out and reach up. Don’t be ashamed, be proud, stand tall and remember that failure is apart of life but so is happiness and triumph! Don’t let your idea of how it’s supposed to be get in the way of what IS because what IS, can be pretty damn great if you just let it! 

 

 

    Anyway, I am off to game day/night at my sisters house! 

 

    
Happy Saturday! 

 

 

XOXO