It's not shameful, It's Brave! (Happy April!)

 

    Trauma is a dangerous thing. You can think you’re healed and over it and all of a sudden, a wave of pain can wash over you and suddenly, without warning or reason, you’re back fighting to keep your head above the water. 

 

    It’s a sinking feeling. Feeling like you can’t keep your lungs clear of water and the air you're gasping for is all around you yet, somehow you can’t inhale enough. Like a clog in your airways, it’s mucky and the grime is so thick, but the water seeps in anyway. 

 

    I’ve always tried to figure it out...How in the fuck does it get in when you know damn well that the air can’t even get in. I’ve never been able to figure it out, but I do take great pleasure in knowing that at least I try and decipher it. 

 

    I’ve always liked puzzles but there seems to always be a missing piece when it comes to trauma. Because healing isn’t ever a straight line; It’s messy and there’s always so many pieces! Most of them don’t ever fit correctly and it takes years to line those curves and edges just right. 

 

 

    I am working so hard to work on myself on a deeper level!

    I started from the inside out...

 

    I changed my eating habits first- with that came my outlook on life.

 

    When my outlook on life changed, my depression started to lift. 

 

    When my depression started to lift, my anxiety became a side affect of being me; not the only thing I am.

 

    When people started seeing me different, I realized I don’t give a fuck what others thought of me.

 

    When I realized I didn’t care, I started to smile A LOT more.

 

    When I started to smile more, my confidence began to grow.

 

    When my confidence began to grow- I started to lose A LOT of inches and pounds off my body.

 

    When I shed the weight and inches, I shed the negative thoughts about my body.

 

    When I stopped cutting down the way my body looked, I started buying clothes that weren’t 4 sizes too big on me and really embracing my new body! 

 

    When I started embracing my new body, I started embracing my curves and edges, rough as they may be.

When I realized that edges and curves were meant to be rough, I fell in love with myself.

 

    When I fell in love with myself, I started working harder FOR myself. 

 

    When I started working harder for myself, I started to feel SO good ABOUT myself.

 

    And when I started feeling good about myself, I started living a happier and more balanced life. 

 

 

    The trauma is still there, but I am a way better person having gone through what I have and fighting my way back from the dark, cold places that trauma can take you to. 

 

 

    Lesson of the day: Don’t ignore your demons! Face them head on and understand that they can only scare you and hurt you as long as YOU let them. But also, don’t be ashamed of your trauma either! You’re a warrior and have been through it, it’s not shameful, it’s brave! 

XOXO 

Also, Happy April 1st!