You're never going to have it all together, forgive yourself!
I cannot seem to catch a fucking break lately! In September I had emergency gallbladder surgery, then Covid19 and today, the 5th of February... I broke a fucking tooth. It’s Friday, every fucking dentist office is closed today with no weekend hours and so I have to wait until Monday to get some assistance and even then I am not guaranteed an appointment.
I am a bad news bear as of late! No matter how much I try and put a positive spin on it, I am just so pissed off that I can’t seem to catch a break! I just keep reminding myself of all the positive things I have in my life and keep pushing forward from there. It’s honestly been my only way of coping with it all. It’s just one thing after another.
Positive things:
I’m alive
I am relatively healthy
I have a pretty good support system
I have my progress
I have my mental health back in check
I have the capacity for love in my heart again
Remember yesterday when I said sometimes you just need to scream and cry and complain long enough to get it out of your system and then move forward? That’s what I am trying to do! I’ll take you along for the ride, you ready?
FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK MYYYYYYYY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE LKJHFEWF EWFWEKFHEKF UEKFWEJLFHFHEFHEFHKLCJKCJKFHFHIFHIWOPFHIEOJKHCKJHJKDSLHFJKLFHJSLDHFJDSLKHFJKSDL
And we’re DONE! I meant it when I said I wasn’t going to keep letting things disrupt my happiness. Shit happens, we deal with it and we move on. I can’t control it anymore than someone could control the rain. It’s just so hard sometimes to remain positive when everything feels like it’s falling apart. Or rather when I feel like I’M falling apart. But then again, isn’t that just part of life?
With all of that being said, does anybody else think that just when you’re starting to get your ducks in a row, you realize that you forgot to bring the bird seed. Then before you know it, several of them have wandered off searching for the very thing you could have brought but forgot to? They only leave because you've neglected them in one way or another. I used to blame my ducks leaving on other people or the world; it never occurred to me that they were gone because of me.
Obviously ducks are a metaphor for my shit, my sanity, my life, my everything; but you get the picture! Part of me coming to terms with my past and bringing myself out of the darkness is accepting that I am responsible for what happens to me. That doesn’t mean that other people and life can’t fuck you over and screw with you but what happens after is all up to you!
How are you going to react? How are you going to use your time afterwords?
The old me would go spinning downwards and who knew where I would be when I finally snapped back into reality. It was sometimes days, often times weeks or months of spiraling and self-sabotaging. Now you’re probably thinking, “What small thing could set this girl off this bad?” Here’s the thing, when bad shit happens to you, a lot, you learn to compartmentalize and eventually everything you’ve shoved away comes exploding out in ways that you can’t control. I didn’t know how to deal with my past so that left me forcing myself to move on in the present.
This is ultimately why I reached out and finally starting seeing a therapist. Talking about all of the shit I’d been through with a trusted professional who could help me work through it was absolutely what I needed. It was the best thing I could have done for myself.
I’ve had to forgive myself for a lot! And while I don’t blame everything on myself; I do blame myself for my response to the things that I’ve gone through. The fact that I didn’t reach out for help sooner, the way I let myself spiral; for allowing another person to put his hands on me in a negative manner. I am not a punching bag and it took me a long time to realize that.
I don’t want to make myself seem like a damaged, hot mess. I prefer the analogy, “cultured in shit-storms.” You're never going to have it all together, nobody ever will; forgive yourself!
If you’re looking for a sign to keep moving forward, consider this your sign!
You matter!
You’re loved!
You’re needed!
You’re special!
You’re talented!
You’re worth it!
You’re worthy!
You’re human!
You are just doing your best to survive in this crazy world and it’s time to stop blaming yourself for things that aren’t your fault anymore!
XOXO
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