If over-thinking burned calories, I'd be a goddamn supermodel!

    

    Does anybody else feel like they can’t properly function without music playing in the background or is that just me? I am constantly listening to something, even if it’s so quiet nobody can hear it except me! Music drives some people crazy and that is just something I don’t understand; if you hate music, I automatically don’t trust you. Sorry not sorry! 

 

It fuels me, I can smash workout sessions, write some of my best work, create all the things and it just reminds me that I actually have emotions. Music triggers so many emotions! Happy? Music! Sad? Music! Angry? Music! Need a good cry? Music! Hungry? Food and then music! Haha, I think you get the idea! It doesn’t matter what you’re feeling! There’s a genre for that! I have become so used to always playing music myself that when the room is quiet it’s deafening. It makes me feel weird and uncomfortable, maybe THAT’S my toxic trait?! (Haha!) 

 

Anyway, does anybody over-think things the way I do? I over-think everything. I am not the person you want to come to for quick answers if it also affects me. If it’s only about you, I can 10/10 give you sane, solid advice on what to do. As for me? I need like a week to think about it. I have to think about everything that could go wrong, different scenarios, things that could never in a million years happen, but I have bad luck, how they could affect others in my life, how it would be long term, everything. I don’t know why I’m like this, but I think it also has something to do with the fact that I have anxiety. 

 

I feel like it’s both helpful and harmful. Let me tell you why. 

 

It’s helpful because that means I deeply care about situations and how they can affect myself and others and when I do finally draw to a conclusion, I know it’s going to be something I didn’t just jump into. I’ve thought about every aspect and if it doesn’t pan out, I can’t say that I didn’t assess the situation properly. A win in my book. Because I also don’t give up easily, I fight for what I want and what I believe in. 

 

It’s also harmful because I feel like sometimes it holds me back from truly great experiences. Over-thinking everything is hard, it makes sometimes easy situations difficult because I can’t shut my brain off. My brain always goes to the most random, dark and weird places because I think about things from every angle and it makes it hard to be impulsive. 

 

It’s a win/lose situation! I wish I could just be an, “in the moment” girl all the time instead of occasionally when my brain decides to give me a break; but I wasn’t hardwired that way. This doesn't mean that I can’t make decisions, I make those every single day. It depends on its importance and obviously whether or not it’s going to help me or hurt me. Everything always circles back to our choices, doesn’t it?

 

My last therapy session ended like this: 

 

Deb: Why do you think you over-think?

Me: I think it stems from me always feeling like I have to be in control. When I lost control in the past, it made me feel so terrible about myself. The hate grew larger, the outrageous behavior got worse and I couldn’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror. 

 

Deb: Okay, so do you think that your need to always be in control is a symptom of past behavior or do you think it’s just who you are?

 

Me: It’s a symptom of my past for sure but also I think that it’s who I am. If I know I’m in control of my life, I know that no matter what happens to me is a side affect of what I’ve done or allowed to happen. Being in control is how I determine my own fate. 

 

Deb: Do you think this will have an impact on current and or future relationships?

 

Me: I don’t think that it will. When I find people that I can actually trust, I let my walls come down a bit. Show me I can trust you and I’ll show you I can let go and you can trust me too. Something like that I guess. 

 

I’ve been lied to, hurt and scarred by a lot of people in my life; I carry it around with me every singly day. But that doesn’t mean I’m not trying to heal from it and move forward. Over-thinking, social situations, anxiety, they’re all things that I’m working on all the time! The damage wasn’t created overnight and healing won’t happen overnight either! 

 

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I can relate” just stay focused, love yourself through it all and keep trudging forward! It gets better! 

 

XOXO