It's time for a new fucking mantra!

  

    Speaking of stripping it down ( see January 14th’s post!)Today is all about learning how to take a damn compliment! 

 

I seriously cannot be the only one who literally cringes anytime someone says something nice about me, right?! It’s something I’m working on, but in order for me to get to the root of the issue, I have to figure out what it is about compliments that freaks me out so bad.

 

My latest session with my therapist: 

 

Me: Hey, I want to talk about my issues with compliments today, I literally cringe when people say nice things to me, about me. 

 

Deb: Oh wow, why haven’t we discussed this before? Or is it new?

 

Me: It’s been like this since I can remember and because I hate talking about myself.

 

Deb: All right, so let’s unpack your insecurities about yourself first, that way we can figure out why you feel this way. 

 

Me: Insecurities is a dirty word, they make me feel so exposed! But, let's start off with these:

1. I wish that I was good enough, for anything. I just struggle with feeling like I’m worth it. 

2. I think I’m ugly.. It comes from many years of being told, “You’d be pretty if you just dropped a few pounds.

3. My weight, obviously. Which is what helped push me towards my health journey and sparked my (so far) 100 Lb weight loss. 

4. Nobody will ever actually commit to loving me because I’m damaged, my past is dark and not worth the hassle.

    There are more, but these are the biggest ones I feel I struggle with most. It’s from years of telling myself all of those things, my repetitive mantra to myself, “you will never be worth the trouble, so why bother?” Over the years I’ve been conditioning my brain to think I was less than I actually was that way when someone did reject me or say something nasty about me, I’d just believe it instead of being hurt over it. 

 

    Deb told me some really helpful things to help me silence that annoying voice telling me about all of the things that I’m not. At the end of the session she insisted that I make a list of things that I AM. 

 

    This might have been one of the hardest things I’ve ever been asked to do. It’s not done, but here’s what I’ve got so far: 

 

1. I am a very caring person.

2. I am crafty.

3. I am relatively smart.

4. I am...to be continued.

 

    And that’s how far I’ve gotten. It’s a little sad that I can’t think of anything else to say about myself. But now that I am aware of it, I can work on it. Which is what it’s all about, growth! 

 

    I am learning to just be grateful when people compliment me (smaller cringes). It’s weird being told growing up that you’re ugly all the time and then in adulthood having people be attracted to you. 

 

    For now, I am still learning and still growing! Which is exactly where I’m supposed to be.

 

XOXO

These are reactions/compliments on my two most recent posts about my weight loss and I've never cringed more! But I'm grateful!