I deserve...
I crushed two projects today! I’ve been talking about getting more custom tees into my boutique and have been seriously slacking lately! So I added a new one to the list!
Needed for the project:
Bleach
Paintbrush (Foam preferred!)
Tee of choice (Something at least 60% cotton so it bleaches!)
And some patience! Which I lack 97% of the time! Here is the final product! And of course I always make myself one to rep my small business!
The second project is a painting. Now I am 10/10 NOT an artist. I am by no means professional, I legit have happy little accidents (YASSSS, Bob Ross!) and 9 times out of 10 my vision for the project is completely different. I paint because I just love doing it! It’s relaxing and is another outlet allowing me to express myself creatively!
This project requires you to have:
Gouache paint
Paint brushes (whatever sizes you’re comfortable with)
Watercolor paper
Patience and grace
Here’s the final project! It’s an 8/10 for me. I still don’t know if I’m done with it. I always go back at some point!
Today I’ve also gotten three full pages of writing done on my novel! I am starting to feel it take shape and it’s such a relieving feeling! I took a break from writing, I had some personal shit that I had to work through (which isn’t so personal because I am spilling all the tea on here!)
I am slowly finding my way back to myself but more importantly, a much better and happier version! I don’t think I’ve ever been so honest with myself. I call myself out on my own bullshit and I make sure that if something doesn’t seem right or make me happy, I address it. Will it always be that way? Unlikely! We’re all human and shit happens but I am working towards a better everything for myself because I know I deserve more.
I deserve more than who I’ve been in the past.
I deserve more than the lies that have been said to me and about me.
I deserve more than the way I’ve felt about myself.
I deserve more love than I’ve allowed myself to receive.
I deserve the kind of love that I give out so freely to others.
I deserve more than the excuses that got me to where I was 8 months ago.
I deserve to smile and laugh freely without feeling like I don’t deserve to be happy.
I deserve to be treated the way I treat others.
I deserve grace and understanding.
I deserve.
My last virtual therapy session ended like this:(virtual because Covid - Hard eye roll!)
Deb: If you could tell just one person something without them defending their actions, without them denying or lying or becoming outraged, if they were to just listen to your words and understand where you were coming from, what would you say?
Me: I’d say that I deserved to be treated with respect. I deserved to not have your hands wrapped around my neck or your knee pressed tightly against my chest while you pinned me to the ground. I’d say I deserved to be heard without you jumping to conclusions. I’d say that I over the last thirteen years the way that you’ve treated me and the way I've let you treat me is completely fucking unacceptable and I refuse to forgive you. I can be cordial because I love your children to absolute pieces but I under no circumstances will ever, ever forget what you did, how you’ve treated me and the way you ignore it now as if it never happened. Or the way it was all blamed on me.
Deb: How does that feel saying it out loud?
Me: Honestly, it makes me wish I could say it to him. But I just know how it would go if I did, he doesn’t have the capacity to listen with understanding ears. Especially if what he’s hearing is about him and in a negative context...... even if he knows what he’s hearing is true.
Deb: Did saying it help in anyway?
Me: It did in a way. I’ve never said it out loud like that. I’ve always thought it and felt it but trying to say it out loud almost made me feel violated all over again, so I avoided it. But I don’t feel that way anymore because my head space is a lot different.
And then my session timer went off and I felt a little lighter. My growth from day to day is immeasurable and enlightening.
And I’ll end today by saying, we all deserve good things. We all deserve to be happy. We all deserve to be loved completely and unconditionally for exactly who we are.
XOXO
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