Can You Remember When Your Soul Was Set On Fire Last?

     Here it is, day two already! I feel like the momentum is always amazing in the beginning, it’s after my fire dies down that worries me. I feel so hungry for new beginnings that sometimes it overwhelms me. Anyone else? I feel like it’s a common problem, so I am going to do my best to keep my head above the chaos! As if that’s even a realistic thought, I laugh at my own unrealistic expectations of my life. 

 

I have the worst case of writers block I think I’ve ever had before. I have so many thoughts in my head, things I want to say but they’re all fighting to come out and when they do, they aren’t anywhere near the way I want them to be. I start and somehow another idea or feeling comes out in the middle of it and I get derailed again and eventually give up. That is where my mental clarity comes into play! I am desperately searching for it, searching for the truth within myself. Finding the thing that is going to set my soul on fire. I am talking thermite hot here people! 

 

I can remember the exact moment that I fell in love with words. I was in my senior year of high school and I had no intentions on going to college. Further education didn’t interest me because I was so intensely scared of failure and had no faith in myself that I didn’t even give myself the opportunity. 

 

I had an English teacher who cared enough to teach me not only how to write in different styles and genres but how to believe in myself. When we met, He told me I was cynical and that if I was a little bit more positive, I could do anything. Somewhere between the homework and the research assigned, I fell so deeply in love with words. Like beautiful strings of pearls laid out in sentence form. Arrangements of words that sparked emotion, wonder, character and hope, hope that I could one day write something that made someone else who was struggling with their identity feel something. 

 

It was like his one decision not to give up on me (whether it was his job or not) filled up my sad, lost heart just enough to strike the match. I attended college and got my bachelors degree! Literally something that I told myself for YEARS that I wouldn't and couldn’t do. I graduated 4^th overall in my class, with honors. I did the damn thing and worked my ass off to better myself at the very least to prove to myself that I wasn’t the screwed up, going nowhere kid I thought I was. Turns out, my teacher was right, I was entirely worth it. 

 

That’s something that I will always carry with me; because my whole life nobody had ever taken the time to tell me I could do hard things. I am planning on furthering my education, I just need to make some decisions on where, when and what I want to do. I’ll keep this blog updated with my choices! 

 

I am grateful for the people who encouraged me and showed me just how wonderful the world could be if I believed in myself just a little bit. 

 

Confidence doesn't come easy for most and for me, I know that if I’m not constantly honest with myself, I’ll fall off the face of the earth and the confidence I have in myself will take a backseat to everyday living. Literally the easiest behavior to slide back into. 

 

My point here is that, if you’re struggling with trying to figure out who you are, be so fucking honest with yourself that it pushes you out of your comfort zone and forces you to take a look at your choices and makes you crave better, work harder and fight longer. Giving up is never the answer. Fight for it, work for it, be it. The term, “fake it till you make it,” Couldn't be anymore goddamn true if it were written by God himself. 

 

If you need somebody to believe in you like I had somebody believe in me, let someone in! Open your heart and just let it in.

 

XOXO