Bye, Janu-Worry!

  

Well guys! It’s officially the last day of Janu-Worry! B.L.E.S.S! 

 

I first want to just say that I am so freaking proud of myself for getting through the first 31 days and writing every single one of them!(minus two because I decided that I was going to do this on the 3rd!) I know this may sound like a strange and basic thing to be proud of when you’re a writer. Last year was so damaging physically, mentally, emotionally and financially that I needed so badly to step away from it all and learn how to love myself again. Which is what I have dedicated my 2021 to. This is not to say that 2021 wont be just as hard; but I am finally learning how to take care of myself in the way that I’ve spent my entire life taking care of others. 

 

 Giving myself grace.

 Loving myself again.

 Making healthier choices (physically and mentally.)

 Being openly honest with myself more. 

 Being more positive about myself and how far I’ve come.

 Not beating myself up for not being where I want to be yet.

 Remembering that everything that’s meant for me will come in its own time and what’s not will eventually fade. 

 

And many more things that I’ll eventually get into on here, but I mainly am focusing on the getting myself right with MYSELF! I’ve learned so much about who I am and who I’m not over the last several months; which is just about the only part of the pandemic I’m grateful for. It’s taught me how to be present in the moment and not take small things for granted. More importantly I’ve realized that I am worth a whole hell of a lot more than how I was treating myself and allowing others to treat me. 

 

I called January, Janu-Worry. Because I only worried about myself for the first time in a very long time and it felt so damn good! If you’ve never committed yourself to just 30 days of just focusing on yourself, I HIGHLY recommend doing it. It’s been the most gratifying experience of my life. Which is why I decided not to stop at just 30 and make it 365 days of refocusing, centering, learning, growing, decluttering, adventuring, loving, healing, inhaling, exhaling and genuine moments for myself. It’s time to let all the bad juju go and reinvent myself as who I am and not who everyone thinks/wants me to be. Because they don’t matter; I do.

 

We all have shit that we don’t talk about. We all have things that we would much rather have go unseen or just bury it. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I’ve said, “I don’t want to talk about it!” or even, “please don’t tell anyone.” we all have secrets, but I decided that I was done breaking myself apart to hold things in for others. Don’t get me twisted, I still have a lot of people who can and do confide in me without worry of me spilling their tea. I just mean that if it’s something that hurts me, I won’t hide it to save others the embarrassment anymore. I have got to be honest with how things make me feel in order to keep myself and my mental health (the way I view myself) in check. 

 

With all of that being said and January, 2021 coming to an official close, I just want to say how thankful I am to be where I am. Although I am obviously not exactly where I want to be, I am a long fucking ways away from the person I used to be. If you’ve read all of my posts thus far, you might be thinking, “wow this girl is super damaged” and that would be true. I came from such a broken path of what is actually acceptable as far as boundaries, mental health and physical health that there is no way around it. I’ve grown to understand those three things so much more that I’m starting to heal from all the past trauma I’ve gone through because of it. 

 

 Being bullied religiously because of my weight throughout my entire childhood and transitioning into middle school/high school where nothing changed. Damaging.

 Being thrown in a trash can on the first day of middle school because the kids told you that’s where you belonged. Damaging.

 Being told that you’re ugly and maybe if I lost a little weight, I’d be attractive. Damaging. 

 Being choked out and physically assaulted for literally trying to lend a hand and help someone. Damaging. 

 Having crippling anxiety and having nobody believe that you actually felt that way. You were always faking it or being dramatic. Damaging. 

 With that came depression from not being able to express how I felt in a way that people understood or believed me. Damaging.

 Being treated like you aren’t good enough no matter what you do or how hard you try to make the other person happy. Damaging.

 Being told at a young age that you you have a 3% change of having a successful pregnancy. Damaging. (Being a mom has always been something I wanted. There are other ways but not being able to have your own hurts.)

 

We all have shit we don’t talk about. We’ve all got demons and things we wish didn’t happen or things we wished would have happened differently. But we can’t go back and change it. Even though I wish shit would have happened differently for me and there’s a lot that I had to go through, I am thankful because it brought me to where I am. 

 

A year ago I believed myself to be weak and insignificant. Today I know I am a strong, independent and completely significant woman. You grow through what you go through. 

 

And with that, I’ll end this by saying; KEEP MOVING! STAY FOCUSED! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF! 

 

XOXO