Be still my anxious heart!
Here’s what I was told growing up:
“Anxiety isn’t real, it’s a made up illness people use as an excuse to be lazy.”
“You are always feeling something and it’s never normal.”
“Oh you feel like your chest is going to explode? It’s probably all in your head.”
“Oh look, she’s crying again, what a baby!”
“You make everything about you, this isn’t about you.”
“Maybe if you’d smile more, you’d feel happier.”
And my personal fucking favorite:
“You must be bipolar because your moods are fucking crazy, you’re fucking crazy.”
I’m sure there are more, but those are what have stuck with me throughout my entire life. People don’t understand anxiety unless they’ve personally experienced it. When I finally took myself to the doctor to tell him how I was feeling he said almost instantly, “sounds like you’ve been suffering from anxiety.” I literally started laughing hysterically in the doctors office (where he then probably thought I was a lunatic!)
He said, “what is so funny about that diagnosis?”
I immediately, without hesitation said, “that’s a made up illness! Someone made that up so they didn’t have to be productive with their day!”
The conversation after that was heavy. I remember feeling overwhelmed and almost breathless. He pulled out some reading material and everything I was reading jived with how I was feeling and I remember falling apart. I broke down so hard that I was there for an hour past my appointment time. He went over a ton of material with me, walked me through my options and gave me a ton of choices.
I went home (I was still living with my parents at that time.)
And my mom asked me how my appointment went and I didn’t know what to say because some of those things above were things she said to me. Things she didn’t understand!
So I lied.
“Everything went great, turns out I’m just severely anemic and need to take an iron pill everyday!”
Which was the truth, my blood test results did show that. It just wasn’t the whole truth.
I ignored it for a while. I kept telling myself, “If I just smile through it, It’ll pass....just keep smiling, keep moving.”
It’s a cold and isolating feeling. Not being able to tell the people in your life that you were suffering from something that was absolutely real and that if I just followed some of the basic guidelines, I could feel better.
After about 2 months I decided I was going to call in the prescription that my Doctor had given me. I was reluctant to take it because I was both scared it was going to help me and also that it might not help me.
After a few months of taking the medication, I was actually feeling myself. I had less moments where I felt like my chest was going to explode. I felt less manic and anxious; little things stopped bothering me. I actually felt like I was going to be able to move on with my life.
A few people around me made the comment, “Wow, you’ve been so different these past few months, it’s been a nice change, you seem so happy.”
For some odd reason, that broke me. I didn’t want to feel like a tiny pill a day was the only reason I was holding it together. But then again, nobody even knew I was taking it so it wasn’t really that big of a deal.
The day I finally told the truth was literally like taking the weight of the world off my shoulders. It took me 3 years. THREE YEARS. I did it at my own pace because I knew the people around me didn’t and wouldn't understand.
After explaining everything, giving facts and coming clean about the last three years of my double life (it totally felt like this!) I was accepted for who I am, my diagnosis was no longer holding me back. I felt like I was free to be who I am; how I was born.
I still have anxiety, I will forever. But getting help was the single best thing I’ve done for myself! With the help of my doctor, I now don’t need prescription medication! I take CBD oil for it everyday, and it’s been life-changing! *I don’t recommend just quitting medication, always seek medical advise for these things!*
It’s been a bumpy several years, but it’s more common than you think! Make sure you’re kind to others, they are all battling things you can’t see, feel or even touch. Hearts are fragile and words matter.
XOXO
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